We Obedient Women

I hate these feminists, by the way-
Irrespective of their gender-
Who profess equality of sexes.
Ridiculous. Impossible!

Haven’t we been told
How impure we are
With this dreadful fertility
And the mere sight of us,
Which can axe the celibacy of gods
Or with that unused blood of life
Which can be sacrilegious?
We are threats even to gods.
(Or, are we really mighty? Nay!)

We entice the otherwise divine men
Into all sorts of evils.
Refer the epics.
Curse be upon you
Eve, Draupadhi, Sita,
For such gory history!
And WE bear the yoke, to date.

Now that men have promised us
Separate places of worship
(And soon separate worlds?)
Let’s be gratified
And not make life miserable
For our men, the men
Who save us, protect us,
And safeguard us
FROM MEN!

Rapist Manifesto

The prescriptions by various political, religious and social leaders in the wake of the Delhi incident have enlightened us, unveiling the mindset of the rapists. And this is how one rapist may speak to you.

Dear sisters and virtuous women,

We are writing this for the sake of all women who wish to safeguard their honour, virginity and life.

You know we don’t rape every woman out there.

• We are very selective.
• We are not barbarians or beasts who pounce upon every woman we come across.
• We have our own criteria, rules, and even scruples.

But before we explain that, you should acquire some insight into the stuff we are made of.

We have strong bodies but our minds are weak and uncontrollable, at times. Of course we are made of sterner stuff. Unfortunately, we lack control over our emotions especially sexual. The moment we set our eyes on the beauty or the contour of a woman we are turned on. So you may be wondering all the women who have been raped were not noted for their beauty. Yes, but we have the power to imagine the beauty even in an ugly one (just like we morph certain pics). Above all, there is no distinction between the pleasures the bodies of the beautiful and ugly ones could offer. So we compromise on external beauty, looks, size, age.

There are a few kinds of women we prefer/choose/must have to rape. It will be beneficial to you so that you can wipe out such traits (1 to 5) from you if you wish to go unharmed and live a  peaceful life.

1. The bold: There are certain women who never hesitate to blurt out their opinions, claiming that they know a lot, trying to outsmart men. Blame the modern media and the undue amount of education women are receiving these days. Such women can be tamed down only through rape. After that they will realize how fragile and worthless they are. Keep in mind that we have nothing to lose.
2. The fearless: These days many women dare to step out of their houses even after nightfall. Isn’t that obviously a challenge to the men folk who monopolize the world at that time? Women are supposed to be afraid of darkness. What business do they have on the streets at night? We know what they expect and we are too happy to administer them what they are asking for.
3. The independent: They believe they can survive without the support of men. We just want to prove them wrong. If they start defying men and writing them off as unnecessary, what will be the future of our society? Hope you get our good intentions.
4. The lonely: This is a variation of the third group. They don’t mind travelling around alone. What are they trying to convey? “We are not afraid of men”? They definitely need an experience to correct their misconceptions.
5. The immoral: (We are not talking about the prostitutes.) Some try to blindly imitate the western culture by using makeup and wearing revealing clothes. We enjoy watching our favourite sexy actresses in such accessories, but what will an ordinary woman have to do with that sort of things? Some move around with their boyfriends at odd hours. Even many of you are against such immoral girls and will be only too happy if we teach them a lesson. And no decent woman would roam about in the street after 6.00 pm. Those who are there don’t mind us using them for our entertainment because that is what they come prepared for.
6. The retarded: They are damaged goods, who are not in demand in the marriage market. So what is wrong in using them for our pleasure? They rarely complain. If they have no complaints why should others bother?
7. The kids: The kids are pure. They will keep quiet. So if we are not lucky enough to get grown ups sometimes we will have to adjust with the tender ones. (6 and 7 are used usually when we are bereft of chances to satisfy our needs or when they are easily available.)

We are sure you would agree that rape is the best solution to tame down women 1 to 5. Acid attack is effective too, but not as ‘good’ as rape. Our goal is to conserve the family and the patriarchal system in our society. If women start raising their voice the society will soon be headed for its extinction. So sisters, understand this and do follow the given instructions:

Remember, you are too weak to save yourself (from us). You are supposed to be under the protection and at the beck and call of your husband, father, brother or son. We will take good care of you if you are willing to limit yourselves within the constraints of your house. Your desires (food, sex, kids, clothes and ornaments) will all be meted out. Never interfere in our affairs or question our deeds. Never ever demand a trip to the dirty world outside where we will be busy teaching those immoral ones some valuable lessons.

 Note: In spite of all these precautions if someone assaults you, chant this mantra: Brother, please let me go. He will immediately melt (thinking of his sister) and comply with your request.

 

 

When do We Turn Old?

Warning: Those who are worried about ageing must not read this.

A sexagenarian mourned: My cousin died today morning. He was only 77.

An octogenarian complained plaintively: Doctor, my skin is all wrinkled. What is wrong with me?

The same person once got irritated when a friend of hers was referred to as ‘that old guy’. She interfered, “Old guy? We were classmates at school!”

On the other hand:

A little boy from America unsettled his grandfather back in India with his words over phone: O grandpa, are you still alive?!

I am not cracking jokes. These are words of my own relatives.

I once asked my ninth graders, “When do you think old age sets in?” They chorused at once, “After thirty.” I was crestfallen. [Alas! Chanting Shelley’s words (If winter comes can spring be far behind) was to no effect as there is no spring to come after this long winter.] Longing for some assurance I asked, “Will you call me ‘old’?” They managed to answer, “No.” Women, whether young or not very young, are very shrewd in such matters.

The fair sex are sensitive about the four A’s –Age, Appearance, Attires, Accessories.No woman would wholeheartedly tolerate being dissuaded from purchasing her favourite attire/accessory if that connotes that she is too old or fat for that. The person who puts forward the suggestion would be ‘D’graded‘ by her in Women’s Psychology’. If that woman is me I would deny both the allegations. My daily workouts are supposed to keep me healthy, young and slim and I firmly believe they do work.

I once again travelled down the memory lane to re-discover my first encounters with the mysterious reality called Time. While at primary school the senior girls seemed too big. In my teenage, the college students were the grown-ups. In those days I too thought people in their thirties were in their old age. But when I touched that mark I blissfully fathomed out something:

Old age is a mirage, a myth.

We wait for weekends; we long for the pay days; we look forward for vacations, festivals and birthdays; and we embrace them ignorant of the cost we have to pay – one more week/month/year from our lives. Surprisingly, of late, time has accelerated. The speed at which the New Years pay their visit startles me. Certainly I am not worried because I know such things happen due to ‘Global Warming’ which is beyond my control. Sounds incredible? Dear contemporaries, you need to be well-versed in the art of escapism to soothe yourselves with such excuses.

When will old age visit me? One fine morning I will have to receive and even accommodate that unwelcome guest. That morning is far away, as I am not OLD young still! That is the fancy which keeps me on the move (where to?)!

Gradually Sylvia Plath’s Mirror (http://www.vmlinux.org/ilse/lit/plath.htm )is becoming crystal clear to me. I wonder how I would have taken it, had I read it in my teenage. I hope in the new edition of Literature Reader the CBSE has made a more sensible selection of works giving something that teenagers could digest.

Hey, cheer up! Let me wind up on an optimistic note. Attention 30+ women (and men too?) out there! Instead of letting Plath’s terrible fish scare us, next time when it jumps out of our mirrors, let’s hook it and make a delicious fry of it! And let us age gracefully!

Key to Contentment

Blessed is Minu, with loving parents and in-laws, a decent spouse, kids, education, job, shelter and obviously, money too. Regarding the one mentioned last she has her own doubts, at times.

She has all the typical traits of one hailing from a middle class family. Every fragment of her body and soul discloses them unceasingly.

She can afford almost everything a small family like hers would normally want. Last year she even acquired the latest model camera (yeah, check up the mega pixels and the other functions). She was sure that her stature among her colleagues went up, at the time of purchase.

However Minu, just like any other person doomed to live in this century, is so ill-fated that one year in the 21^st century equals all of 18^th and 19^th centuries put together, in terms of technological advancement. Now she feels Mrs. Windbag, a friend of hers who got a camera last week disparages her – as if a few more of those nasty pixels would take the swanky woman all the way to the moon,  damn it!

Once a week Minu eats out – at Tasty Nook or Durbar. Nice places which offer good food at affordable prices. Her friend, who could be rightly nicknamed ‘the-directory-of-the-city’s-restaurants’ brags on, “Last Thursday we went for Italian. Pasta Corner is awesome, what do you think?”

The harsh reality is that she has nothing to think. It’s a pity that she has never been fortunate enough at least to peep into Pasta Corner or Sushi Sushi. Her stupid grin tacitly leaks it all out to her friend. Oh, what a devastating experience for a woman!

Resilience is Minu’s forte. Wait till the end of the week to see how she hammers her agony!

In the weekend bulletin she airs the tragic domestic scoop to her husband, “It’s time for us to get away with our obsolete camera. Poor battery life, poor picture quality.”

Sensing danger he tries to sidetrack, “We shall consider that. By the by, what shall we have for supper today?”

Oho, see what trap the hapless guy is leading himself into!

“I am fed up with this Indian food. We ought to have a change. How about Pasta Corner?”

That’s how Minu makes mincemeat of her frustration. She knows everything about joie de vivre and shall see to it that it is pursued – at any cost!