Category Archives: Emotions

Loss


DSCF1954The moments of solitude gather the very same thoughts I dread. Memories keep pecking and picking at me. They rub salt on the bruises over and over. The adamant wounds refuse to heal. It hurts.

I am not the first human to lose a parent. However for me the experience of losing someone I had known all my life was not like what I had expected it to be.

We were prepared – that’s what we all supposed. Prepared for what? To see him die? However, there was a lot more we were not prepared for. The void left behind by the departed one is unfathomable and alarming. I feel it now. Though trite, such statements about death seem to be gaining more depth at this point.

When I saw him on his last night (Oct. 10, the day I reached there), the glow in his eyes was on the wane. His eyes were open and gazing but I doubt whether they perceived anything. He was greedily devouring every bit of air. The laboured breath was not at all giving him any ‘satisfaction’, I could read his thoughts. Seeing his struggle I realized there is nothing more (mundanely) divine than to be able to breathe normally!

I could not believe I was looking at the same person I bid goodbye five weeks before.

What was in his mind? Did he have something to tell us?

While others tried to inform him about my arrival he kept on murmuring, “Aara? Aara?” (Who’s that?) Did he recognize me? No cue. He had no last words for me, not even my name. When I asked him if he needed something he clearly stated he did not. All communication was gradually coming to an end, so were his requirements. After all what was left to say and ask? Or, were all the untold words, the unexpressed feelings and fears choking him?

By the next morning it was as if his body had already given itself the pack up call. After two feeds we felt we were just filling in a body that was no more in need of such nourishment. The huge oxygen cylinder bubbled listlessly. He was perspiring with each variation in his body. We could read the changes even without the pulse/saturation meter (a device that is going to haunt me forever). And my sister asked me later, “What were we waiting for, monitoring the readings each minute?” Maybe there was nothing left to do other than just watch.

By noon the readings started hitting new lows.

Were we disturbing and distracting him with all our expressions of concern?

Around 5.30 in the evening I saw something gurgling in his mouth. He opened his eyes wide for the first time that day and stared up the ceiling one last time with tremendous effort. The numbers kept on descending. And then the next moment…    the meter had nothing to say except some meaningful/less dots… We knew it was all over.

The days and nights he spent in constant fear of the looming death came to an end. An entity that moved, thought, loved, hated, desired, planned, rejoiced, won, defeated, failed, created, ate, drank, fought for about eight decades finally gave up.

Did he have the courage to go alone?

The body was still warm and quivering with the last vestige of life left. And for the first time I saw an unusual serenity and stillness spread and then linger on his face. He was relieved of all strain and anxieties. Peace!

*   *  *

Even these thousands of miles in between me and his abode is not thick enough to prevent the agonizing memories from seeping in.

*   *   *

Life thrilled him as much as it failed and hurt him. The thrill came from his talents and the disappointment, from his expectations about life and people. He was never short of solutions, ideas, plans, preparations, stories. Nothing irritated him more than lack of punctuality and perfection. Was he punctual? Yes, to the core. Was he perfect? According to his unique parameters, yes.

I don’t intend to go for sentimental eulogies right now. I owe my life to my parents and I am grateful to my father for what I have inherited and learned from him. [Link]

He had been much more than an average human being and the impressions he left will pose real hard work for time to erase. I am not underestimating the powers of time. It’s just a month – obviously too early to forget a dear and near one.

[Link] And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?

Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.

 

Invisible roots


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I had no idea
That I had grown
So many
Roots invisible
That supported
Sustained,
Tethered too -
Never letting go,
Smothering, pulling,
Whining, threatening,
Emotionally blackmailing!

Fed up,
I broke off,
Dreaming of new pastures
Unknown nourishment,
And experiences.

Now they haunt me -
The unseen ghosts
Of my Invisible Roots.
They blame me
Entice me
They whisper out loud
‘Come back!’

Some day I must,
And try to reconnect
The severed roots
One by one,

Patiently!

Hope


“She wondered that hope was so much harder then despair.”
― Patricia BriggsCry Wolf

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“When you’re at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on”
Theodore Roosevelt

Happy Hormones


 

I feel happy!
(Just feel?)

Happy Hormones
Activated, I sense.

I want them to stay
Prospects are bright.

Cheerful,
Chattering,
Complying,
Consenting,
Condoning,
Cooking ‘successfully’ (!),
Lavishing stars and marks…

Don’t you think
It’s worth it?

But the minute
My HH’s get deactivated,
Keep
*
*
*
*
*

distance.

[Written in June when I was in a real happy mood.]

Who knows what made this unknown person so cheerful that day!

Walk with me


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Let’s walk this way. You and me. The sun will shine bright for us. The shimmering water will add a glitter to our eyes. Take a look at the flowers meant for us. We won’t make them leave their homes for us, but we’ll be there to marvel at the thousand shades and fragrances they have arranged for us. Keep your ears open to the faint soothing music of the foliage and the birds, and your skin ready for the caressing breeze. Be keen - they only serve the most sensitive, you know. Won’t we accept their invitation? After all they are free!

The life – duties, worries, plans, money –  is a light year away. They won’t come to disturb us unless we invite them and lose our minds to them. They make us sick. Consequently we end up fighting. And why should we take along with us resentment and the doubt who had had the last word, instead of the bliss , which is again free?

The sun will soon take leave but there will be the charming night. Thank God the moon is not another star. The pale light is just right for us as we glide down the smooth slopes of sleep reminiscing the blessings of the day that had seeped into us through our senses. Tomorrow is another day! 

Mood Swings


P1100517I am on a swing-
The swing of moods

It
starts,
Then rises
Up in a curve
Into unseen heights
Further into the firmament
Then the journey back -
Another curve
Slows down
Slower,
Still.

Phew! I get down,
How peaceful, down here!
The heights were scary!

Beware of this charlatan!


CAUTION

Joining hands with Arya in her protest against the chauvinistic charlatan(s)!

To all perverts


Dear Indian pervert,

A few years ago I bore you.
Soon you severed all ties with me
and joined the other half.
Though we all belong to the same race
And together play the game of life,
Rules are entirely different
For each side.

Your clairvoyance tells you
what we are ‘asking for’
when we do those things
you are normally entitled to.

Freedom is your birthright,
And if we seek the same
Oh yes, you have interesting ways
to prevent/tame/correct us.

What better method is there
other than showing off your brawn?

(Aside) Ah, God! It’s already too late,
Still please don’t hesitate
to admit and correct your mistake.

Indian woman.

Do read this:

http://manikandanjn.wordpress.com/2012/12/27/the-wrong-side-of-mans-psychology/

Ripples


Now I am a lake.
Every skimming swallow
And every blowing breeze
Stir up ripples on me.

They spread out,
Grow wider but less intense.
Seconds,
Minutes…

I wait for stillness -
Patiently!
And then it sails in -
Peace!

I savour
The brief lull,
Till the  swallow or breeze
Returns to taunt or tickle me.

Let the swallows skim
And the breeze blow,
They can’t help it,
I don’t mind rippling either.

Actions and Intentions


“We judge others by their behavior. We judge ourselves by our intentions.” -Ian Percy

Sorry for that space pollution. Actually I am yelling it out to myself. Did you hear that too? Then join me for the ‘aftershocks’.

How we wish others tried to understand our intentions before they judged our actions! However, being an imperfect human, I am not always able fathom the intentions of those whose actions offend me. Selfishness? Or is it impracticality? I don’t know.

My actions have often been misinterpreted because of my nature. Things were straightened out whenever I got the chance to explain them, but life is not always that fair and straightforward. So, I now and then I enter the foe-list of other people, the latest entry being made last week.

No grudges. It’s nobody fault. As part of my Mission Positive Thinking I am trying to analyze the problem.

Introverts are cursed with misunderstandings. I, being one, am no exemption. One fine morning it is impossible to undergo some metamorphosis and move around sporting the new label of an extrovert. After all I have always been rather comfortable with my existing tag. Still I am greedy for a bit more comfort. But how? Hmmm….

Given below are a few Utopian suggestions:

  • Announce my intentions to the world before doing or saying something.
  • Include a comment box for my words and deeds so that I will be alarmed whenever someone gets me wrong.

Rubbish! (Ooops! I let it slip. Let it be. Once in a while everything is okay.)  :)

Well, what can I do?

Stop judging, because…

“You never really understand a person until you consider things from his point of view… Until you climb inside of his skin and walk around in it.”
Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

This will be of some extra help: Before acting I must remember that…

“You are (I am) responsible for your (my) actions, not for your (my) intentions.” –  Paulo Coelho

Will it really help? Let me try, and then wait and see.